My Son Moved Out Last Summer
My son, Buddy, moved out August 1st. I am halfway to being an empty nester, in the official sense. This is the real thing. He’s not going away to university for a year and coming back. I am not making the temporary move to Fort McMurray and finding him at home when I return.
The minute he moved, in fact he wasn’t yet finished, his sister, Princess, moved down to his room. It is further away from our’s and allows for more privacy. When Buddy was away at school I went into his room just to look and feel close to him by standing amongst his things. Now there is no room.
When I’m wandering around upstairs, I still think he is downstairs, tucked in his bed. Watching a movie. Eating a Tim Horton’s doughnut. But he’s not. I have to remind myself, he doesn’t live here anymore.
When he lived under my roof, I was in touch with him about one thing or another; the mail, dinner, the dog. Now I don’t know the rules for parenting an adult son. What is the line between caring and overbearing?
For the first time, as a mother, I don’t know how to behave. I don’t want to be the mother that smothers but I want Buddy to know that I think about him everyday.
I am happy he has suggested he’d like a family dinner once a week. Yes, I can make that happen. But, is that the only contact now? I could call him everyday to say, “I miss you. I love you. I am thinking of you. Are you eating okay? How are you doing for money? Is the budget working out? How’s the job? How are your investments doing?”
Instead I asked him, “What should our relationship be now?”
Since I asked, we’ve have been for brunch, taken a drive, and spent the afternoon chatting. Each was unexpected and loved. Last week we went to a concert and afterward he gave me a longer-than-normal hug. He is letting me know it is going to be okay. We are co-creating our relationship now. This is the way it will be and it’s all good.
Kathi
As a mother of two grown children, I have transitioned through the empty nest and am embracing this amazing and yet, sometimes confusing stage of life. My desire is to write my way through whatever comes my way and should my thoughts resonate, I'd love to hear from you.
7 Comments
Laura Lamere
Love this – thanks – good to know you can be friends!
My Life After Kids (Kathi)
Thank you, Laura. It would be my wish for everyone to have such a great relationship with their adult children.
Heather
I am at that stage too, Kathi, and can totally relate to your writing today. I have done the overbearing mother thing for a very long time and it has not served me well. When my oldest daughter told me very respectfully to leave her alone to do some growing up, I was devastated. Now, I am so thankful she had the confidence to let me know that I have done my job, and we can work on being more “friends” with each other.
My "Write" Life ... After Kids (Kathi)
Hi Heather,
We certainly aren’t alone. There are so many in the same boat. If our kids have turned out well, we should be celebrating at this stage of the game 🙂
iammeemaw
It’s so hard to let them use their wings, but when my daughter moved out I turned her room into a sewing room!
kmatiko
I can so relate to this. When James was in high school, it seemed more and more difficult to have a conversation of any meaning. Now he is away at university. I don’t know the rules about parenting an adult son, either. It’s like I’ve lost him, but I guess we’ll just have to reinvent the relationship. He’s coming home for Thanksgiving. I’ll be overjoyed to see him, but will try to put some brakes on that. Just be cool.
My Life After Kids (Kathi Ostrom)
And just when we thought we had it all figured out…. another stage 🙂